Addressing Performance without Feeling Guilty

by Ron McMillan

Dear Crucial Skills,

How do I have a crucial confrontation with people who have very low self-esteem? I work in a fast-paced office full of nurses, all of whom have been "around the block" a few times. I've encountered one particular coworker who has desperately low self-esteem. She is a hard worker and very knowledgeable. However, she almost always degrades herself, using statements like, "Well it's probably my fault," or "I'm sure I screwed up again." Unfortunately, her work performance is suffering due to a lack of attention to critical details.

How do I approach her with my concerns, or anyone else for that matter, without hurting her feelings and feeling guilty?

Signed,
Facing Guilt

Dear Facing Guilt,

You ask a tough question about a very important issue: how do you problem solve with someone who is quick to assume fault or has poor self-esteem? You want to solve problems and improve performance, but you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings or ruin the relationship.

In this situation, most of us would avoid the crucial confrontation in order to "spare her feelings." I call this the "cottage cheese on the counter" strategy. Picture yourself in need of an afternoon snack. You open the refrigerator and spot a container of cottage cheese. You open the lid and are assaulted by an awful, rancid smell. "Oooeee is that ever foul! It's gone bad," you hear yourself say. It's then you notice the mold growing on the surface. "Hmmm, I hate to waste food, maybe if I put the cottage cheese on the counter for a few days it will improve." Well, let me tell you from personal experience, the cottage cheese left on the counter does not get better—it gets worse.

When we procrastinate stepping up to a crucial confrontation with the hope that things will get better, we are fooling ourselves. People issues don't improve when we ignore them. This is especially true for performance issues. When others lack specific feedback, they often conclude that if it were important to improve or "get the details" someone would mention it. Without feedback, performance degrades and quality and safety suffer.

So, if you shouldn't ignore it, how do you address it? First, a principle of relationship- building. If you regularly and consistently give positive feedback, acknowledge good performance, give praise, and express appreciation to coworkers, you have earned the right to give constructive feedback and suggest improvements. One of the problems in giving feedback, especially to peers, is they might believe your view of them and their work is negative. However, if you have built a positive relationship through regular acknowledgements, they won't automatically assume you don't like them or don't care about them when you suggest the need for improvement.

I strongly recommend you separate a "praise conversation" from a "feedback conversation. " Combining these conversations can seem like sandwiching—a manipulative technique, where you insert negative criticism in-between compliments. For example, "Hey George, I noticed you've had perfect attendance for thirteen straight days! Good job. By the way, you got me your report late. If you are late one more time, you won't work here anymore. Oh, and I love your tie, looks great with that jacket!" Never sandwich.

So, when it's time to have that crucial confrontation, what do you do? Let's start with what you don't do. Don't make small talk, pass judgments, make accusations, or transition from one subject to another.

First, describe the gap. Begin by factually explaining what has occurred or what outcomes have resulted. Next, compare them to what was expected. The difference between what happened and what was expected is called the gap—it is also the problem you want to solve. This gap is now the agenda of the crucial conversation and you have presented it in a way that minimizes defensiveness.

Next, ask a simple question to help you understand why the gap exists. Ask "Why?" or "How come?" or "Help me understand."

Third, listen. Try to understand the reason behind the gap.

The conversation might sound like this: "Mary, I noticed you arrived today at 8:20, the job requires you to be here at 8:00. What happened?" Then, listen and begin to problem solve.

Occasionally, the other person will respond defensively. If this happens, simply share your good intention. Contrast what you don't intend with what you do intend. For example, if Mary responds by saying, "Oh, I'm such a flake!" respond with, "I'm not trying to fix blame or say that you don't do good work; I just want to understand why you weren't here on time. Let's fix the problem and make sure I can count on you being on time in the future." A statement of your good intention will put the other person at ease and help him or her focus on problem solving.

If you are consistent with this approach, it will strengthen your relationships with your coworkers, show them that your intentions are good, and help them be more confident in their work—and you'll be able to solve problems without hurting feelings.

All the best,
Ron